Causa: The Prologue
“Tiago, please, não.”
Cracks in the dry chalked soil had always caused a small sense of panic before. One wrong step and the earth can crumble beneath your feet. Countless riverside runs with Pai in Mato Grosso where a slip or loose chunk of mud would have sent Tiago sprawling into the rapids below. A warm blue lair for alligators and craftier predators. Pai warned him on their first fishing trip not to paddle as they stepped on the boat. One of his friends, José or Fernando – it didn’t matter now – had lost three toes to piranha doing exactly that.
Maybe it was Mãe who warned him. More likely. In fact, it could’ve been a picture of her man and her boy paddling and smiling in the rio which set her off. She was always the worrier of the family. Caring took a toll on her and in hard times, when Pai had no money or when Pedrina was ill, you could see the burden of maternal love weighing her down. She never lost the ability to smile but laughing relaxes, so there was less laughter, and sleeping requires you to switch off your worries, so there wasn’t ever much sleep at all.
“Tiago, listen to me, you know this isn’t what Mãe would’ve wanted. Why are you doing this?”
Of course it wasn’t. Looking down at the cracked soil again, he almost hoped it would break from the cliff edge beneath and make the decision for him.
Below, two seagulls were scuffling on the face, either mating or fighting, and their rocky nest crumbled away. They flew along the bay and Tiago watched their home fall down, down through the salty air for a moment and then down one last time, an insignificant drop in the ocean, not to be seen or thought of again. The sea was calm and cold, murky and lifeless, far removed from his childhood rio. What would Mãe have wanted? Not this, não, but then in all her selfless, suffocating worry it was never about what she wanted.
Catching sight of the gulls rounding the far end of the bay, Tiago knew he had no choice. This wasn’t a decision, but a last hurdle. Perhaps those around him chose meaningless existences because they were wise enough to know living with a failed purpose is unbearable.
“Tiago, I know as well as you do that Mãe’s not here now. But you have to believe, to understand that she’s up there with Deus and that this isn’t what He would want for you either. Please.”
Standing closer to the edge now than he would ever have dared on those river trails, Tiago knew he could turn around. Could forgive himself, try to forget. He could leave and live, but as a coward. The gulls were still in sight, flying into the distant clouded sky. A trigger was needed. When he could no longer see the birds flying, he would. Decided.
Another glance at the waters below and Tiago noticed his hands were shaking violently. What must this look like? His knees, too. If he hadn’t looked he wouldn’t have known the sorry figure he cut against the cliff horizon. Fear detaches mind and bodily senses. Just like when his injured leg hadn’t stopped him running and leaping up onto Pedrina when the Dobermans chased his younger, happier self.
With that memory as a warming last thought, steeling himself, Tiago looked west. The sea lapped foam and froth at the rocky cliff base. A blue light flashed inland, not from the lighthouse. The accompanying siren a fraction later confirmed it was the police. He looked up, raising his eyes not to Deus, but to the sky at the end of the bay and could see nothing but a blanket of heavy grey.
When he could no longer see the birds flying, he would. So, he did.
The priests say it’s the coward’s way to go. That Deus created all life and only He can take it. Experiencing life had made it very clear that this was not the case. As he flew towards the water or rocks awaiting him, he felt fear, adrenaline and the wracking pain of loss. He thought of Mãe. The constant pang of saudade was all that remained of her and it was still with him now. But he hadn’t turned around and, as he braced for the impact and the unknown thereafter, the one thing Tiago did not feel was a coward.
………
Hope you enjoyed the first taster of Causa! Let me know your thoughts and stay tuned for next Sunday – until then, any likes & shares of J E Turley Writing are really appreciated!
………
Next: Sunday Supplement 3
Previous: Sunday Supplement 1
Also see: