Sh*t Happens (or, Around the World in 80 Dumps a Day)
Welcome to it
I’m fond of exaggerating. Prone to it, in fact. Bloody obsessed with it! Ok, maybe not. Enough of that. But I am acutely aware of my tendency towards the extremes of a story and the importance that you, as reader, can trust me, as storyteller.
So, I’ll come clean now. The title of this book has fallen foul of hyperbole. Shit does happen. One hundred percent true. And I have been around the world. Not all of it and not a complete loop, but enough that we can say that part’s mostly true, too. So, what’s left? Eighty dumps a day? Eighty?! Ridiculous, surely? No? I promised I’d come clean so I’ll admit my guilt in over-egging that last part of the title. You probably sniffed it out anyway. But it’s got a good ring to it. And we’ll soon see that it’s not quite as far from the truth as you might imagine.
This is a story of shits and giggles and cries and shits. Of steroids and soul-searching, of lovers and loos. Twenty-three may seem too young to be entering the memoir genre, but as I await major surgery, I know my life can’t and won’t roll on again until I’m close to twenty-four. What I can do is stop, and take stock. And do my best to entertain you with stories of what’s happened so far.
At the time of writing, next week I will undergo an operation known as a colectomy. This removes the entirety of my large bowel, or colon, leaving me with a bag for life (technically an ostomy) instead of a functioning bottom. A bit like Kim Jong Un1, apparently. The difference being that I don’t incite much fear with my violent and tyrannous nature outside the lavatorial domain. A toilet pot despot, at worst.
There is no known cure for Ulcerative Colitis. However, body minus colon equals no colitis2. Since every course of medicine has failed me (or I’ve failed it, depending on how you wish to view it), I’m up for the chop.
To trace the origins of the painful, pooey path to this sticky situation, you’ll need to let me reverse your clocks to 2013. To a world where no one knew Donald Trump as anything other than a keen golfer with a name fitting to this story3. Once there, allow me to transport you to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, for a story of near-death natural wonders, lesbian love affairs and, most significantly, ducks…
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Footnotes
1 Kim Jong Un is rumoured, in his demi-God status, to be untarnished by base human functions such as defecating.
2 ‘-itis’ shows inflammatory disease so colitis means ‘inflamed colon’.
3 See Ali G bringing out the best in Trump’s nature here.
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You know the condition you have is it causing u to go to the toilet frequently
Hi Elizabeth, before I had the colectomy surgery going to the toilet frequently and urgently was a big symptom. I lost about a quarter of my body weight due to this. I think it’s common with both Crohn’s and Colitis.
Fabulous! Works so well as an audio book. Sharing far and wide. Thanks.
Just finished the read in one session-could not put it down!!! Fascinating read (sad and very funny at times)
So glad you enjoyed and sorry for the dodgy webpage!